If you want to avoid eye rolls and sassiness, avoid asking these bothersome sixteen questions to ensure a pleasant flight.
- “Am I going to make my connection?”
- Just, no.
- “Will they hold the aircraft for me?”
- While we’re cruising at 38,000 feet, let me just call the company and ask them for you.
- “I need to take my medication, can I have a glass of water?”
- I don’t need to know why you need the glass of water, just simply ask me for a glass of water and be done with it. Despite that rumor that you heard fifty years ago, you don’t actually have to tell us your going to take medication to receive a glass of water. PS: did the airport run out of water bottles today?
- “How does the lavatory door open?”
- It’s like none of you have ever been on a plane before, and do not know how to read. All you have to do is “push” where it says, “push”.
- After an 8-14 hour international flight, “Do you guys just turn around and go right back?”
- After we just flew from New York’s JFK airport to Buenos Aires, Argentina (for 10 hours), yes, we just deplane, clean the plane, re-cater the galleys, and go back home. Forget about fair workplace rules and layovers, we’ll just have a duty day of 24+ hours.
- “What are we flying over right now?”
- Mars. Yeah, Mars. We’re flying over Mars at the moment. Next up is Jupiter. Honestly, half of the planes your flying on have that interactive map thingy that you can just go and check for yourself. And its actually pretty cool and easy to use.
- “What time are we going to land?” (when the flight is on schedule)
- Did you just book this flight blindly without looking at the time of arrival? Did you not think to pull out your boarding pass and look at the arrival time? Did you also ignore the television monitor at the gate that says “arrives at 00:00”? Odds are if it’s a domestic flight, its not the flight attendants only flight of the day, and unless it’s their last flight they probably don’t know what time you’re going to make it home to Boise, Wichita, or Fresno. We usually just look at the time our last fight of the day ends, so we know when our layover begins.
- “Can I have a black coffee, please?”
- With two creamers and equal? That is NOT a black coffee. I don’t care if you grew up in Milan or Milwaukee, you need to learn how to order your coffee correctly. Black means black. As in plain. But thank you for saying please, we’ll probably be more inclined to bring you that equal now.
- “What do you have to drink?”
- As a flight attendant, I love when people ask me this question. It makes my day. Because when you ask me this question my answer is always the same, “I have tonic water, Diet Sierra Mist, or Tomato Juice. What would you like?” How about next time you explore the seat-back pocket and take a quick glance at the menu?
- “Is this flight full?’
- Well honestly, I’m going to give you an answer you probably don’t want to hear. If the company was sending planes out empty everyday we probably wouldn’t be in business anymore. And now with last minute $59 “fire sales,” we are actually probably even oversold.
- “Do you have any free snacks?”
- Don’t you think if we had free snacks we’d be handing them to you with your beverage of choice?
- “Can I have the whole bottle of water?’
- Are you the only passenger on this aircraft? If you wanted a whole bottle of water why didn’t you buy yourself one in the airport terminal?
- “I have a tight connection, can you have everyone stay seated when we arrive at the gate so I can be the first one to deplane?’
- The ignorance here is real. How about next time you schedule your ground time at the airport for more then fifteen minutes so you don’t have to run from Gate A8 to C100 in the Dallas/ Fort Worth International Airport!
- “Is this your usual route?”
- I appreciate you trying to make conversation with me, especially if you are cute, but odds are it’s not. Because honestly one can only go to Tulsa so many times. And there’s no way at my seniority I can hold Europe.
- “Is alcohol free?”
- Here is a general guideline that most (NOT ALL) airlines follow in economy: If it is an international flight- beer and wine is usually free, and liquor is for sale. In economy on domestic flights, usually all alcoholic beverages are for sale.
- “I thought I could sit anywhere I wanted?”
- Unless you are flying Southwest, or a carrier that specifically emphasizes no seat assignments, what makes you think that you can disregard your seat assignment printed on your boarding card and just sit where ever you feel?
Until next time, XoXo.